The idea of coming out of the closet may seem very daunting, if not downright terrifying, to many of us. What many of us have found is that coming out is not a one time event, but rather an ongoing process. We meet new people and have to come out to them. We learn more about ourselves and experience our own coming out to ourselves all over again. And sometimes coming out may in fact be dangerous for our well being.

But there are many good things to coming out as well. Many people feel a new sense of freedom after coming out. They no longer have to hide who they are or censor what they say. At last they have a chance to start being themselves.

Say you are ready to come out to friends or family (we'll assume you've come out to yourself already). How should you go about doing this? Are there any secrets or tips to ensure a sucessful coming out? While no one ever knows exactly how the event will turn out, we've prepared a few tips that should at least help things run a little smoother.


Do's and Don'ts of Coming Out:

Do not:

come out in an argument or to hurt someone.

come out in a moving vehicle.

come out in drag.

be drunk or high.

have you lover with you. This is not "Let's Make a Deal" -- more surprises are not good.

plan on doing anything else the rest of the day/night.

try to answer questions about Richard Simmons, Rosie O'Donnell, Keanu Reeves, Tom Cruise, Richard Gere (or the Gerbils), Oscar Wilde, the Spice Girls, Bert and Ernie, or anyone else.

come out on holidays or other special days (birthdays, etc.)

Do:

remember to breathe (seriously).

have resources to call -- you need support, too!

have an escape plan. You may not need it, but if you do, you won't be surprised. Have a place to crash for the night, and money you can get to in case a worst-case scenario does occur.

be ready for them to drill you with questions that may or may not offend you.

be ready for them to need time and space to think about things before any discussion takes place.

have a book, pamphlet, phone number, or other resource that can be called upon when you're not around.

give people time to really think about things. It probably took you a few years to come out; they may need more than just a week.

Remember:

a person is more intelligent than a group of people; come out to people one at a time and somewhere private.

people who are ignorant may say things initially that they don't realize are painful to hear. They are simply unaware and in a state of surprise.

there are people who will never be supportive no matter what is said.

they may already know.

no two coming out experiences are ever the same.

just because you come out to someone once, doesn't mean you won't have to do it again, and again, and again.

people have to deal with the issue of gay stuff and you as a person, probably the combination of the two since you probably don't fit the sterotype they have about gay peeps.

it is your life to live, you only have one, and the bottom line is that you are going to continue living as a gay person no matter what their reaction is.

Coming out can be a challenging task, but even when situations go bad it is still usually worth it. TTU Lambda is full of members that have done it before and are willing to help you through the process. To contact Lambda, see the list of officer and advisor emails on the back or go to the Dean of Students Office.

Many of the tips in this pamphlet were adapted from "24 Coming Out Tips" by Clyde Berry. For more information on coming out, we recommend: The Homo Handbook by Judy Carter; PFLAG's Guide to Coming out to Parents; and many online resources for coming out.